Wednesday, October 30, 2002
Taken For Granted
I'd forgotten just how great a cigarette on a cool evening felt...or how much I used to love going for walks around the college campus at night...or how much fun watching people can be. It's funny how you can just forget about things that are just so enjoyable...and how once you discover them again, you swear never to let that enjoyment fade from memory again. But it'll be all too soon when I forget how a walk on a clear, autumn night feels...with the wind softly dancing across my face, the worries of my life slipping away for just a moment, my flip-flops dragging across the pavement, the ashes from my cigarette slowly drifting down to the ground, and the sound of leaves crunching with each step.
I really like autumn...
I'd forgotten just how great a cigarette on a cool evening felt...or how much I used to love going for walks around the college campus at night...or how much fun watching people can be. It's funny how you can just forget about things that are just so enjoyable...and how once you discover them again, you swear never to let that enjoyment fade from memory again. But it'll be all too soon when I forget how a walk on a clear, autumn night feels...with the wind softly dancing across my face, the worries of my life slipping away for just a moment, my flip-flops dragging across the pavement, the ashes from my cigarette slowly drifting down to the ground, and the sound of leaves crunching with each step.
I really like autumn...
I'm Dirty...
I've never been a huge fan of pop music. Sure, I've learned lyrics to songs that are played incessantly to the point where you can't avoid the memorization. And sure, I've been handed copies of pop CDs as gifts or as prizes or please-take-this-shit-out-of-my-hands sort of things. And yeah, I've been known to enjoy a few pop tunes here and there. But, like I said, never been a huge fan of pop music.
Now, this comes off as alarming to most gay men that I speak with because they can just not fathom what their musical world would be without the likes of Britney, Justin, and all the other mindless pop icons. Trust me, "bois"...there is real music out there. Sorry that I don't share your interests.
That being said...I like Christina Aguilera. Now, before I hear shouts of approval from the queens or before I start receiving hate mail from anti-pop peeps, give me a chance to explain. "Genie In A Bottle" never did much for me and "What A Girl Wants" didn't really make sense to me at all. In fact, I didn't even give Christina a second thought until I heard the song "I Turn To You." Sure, it's a cheesy re-make of a ballad that no one really cares for...but it touched my heart during a time in my life when I had way too many issues to count. So, I bought the CD, never really getting into any of the other songs on it...they were just annoyingly bubblegum.
It wasn't until I had the opportunity to see Christina in concert that my admiration for her grew. Now, mind you, I didn't go to the show out of my own choosing...it was a payback for inviting someone to share in the experience of my first Ani Difranco show. I took them, they decided to take me to Christina...it was all done in returning a nice gesture. The concert gave me an opportunity to see that the girl really had some talent, but she was either too wrapped up in being what was considered cool/trendy/popular at the time or she was being smothered from doing anything creative for fear that it would contradict the cool/trendy/popular guidelines. In other words...she danced up a fucking storm and sang the hell out of some ultra-cheesy songs. She didn't knock my socks off, but I was impressed that she did, in fact, have some level or degree of talent.
Soon after that concert, I sort of lost all interest in all the hype and commotion that got stirred up around her. I couldn't care less about Eminem mentioning her negatively in a song or Fred Durst bragging about the nookie he got from her. In fact, I lost all interest in her completely without even thinking twice about it. So, when she came back on the scene a little while back with this new song "Dirty"...I was a bit shocked. Girlfriend was definitely looking dirty, dancing around in her underwear and some chaps...boxing against some scary-looking chick...singing about how she wanted to take her clothes off and such. I was definitely unimpressed by her new image...
But, image and new song aside, I was told that all the hype about this new CD of hers was true and that it'd be worth the purchase. So, I came upon it in Wal-Mart yesterday...and I bought it. With a few exceptions, the CD is tres cool. I have no idea what she's been through over the past couple of years, I haven't followed all the media and press about her...but I can relate to a lot of the shit she's singing about. And not only is she singing about it, she at least had a hand in co-writing the songs and producing the album itself. Not too many bubblegum popstars can claim those things...
Anyway, there really is no point to this all beyond me explaining to you all that I have a new CD that I enjoy. Yup, it's pop...and yup, it's good. Whether or not you agree...do I give a fuck?
I've never been a huge fan of pop music. Sure, I've learned lyrics to songs that are played incessantly to the point where you can't avoid the memorization. And sure, I've been handed copies of pop CDs as gifts or as prizes or please-take-this-shit-out-of-my-hands sort of things. And yeah, I've been known to enjoy a few pop tunes here and there. But, like I said, never been a huge fan of pop music.
Now, this comes off as alarming to most gay men that I speak with because they can just not fathom what their musical world would be without the likes of Britney, Justin, and all the other mindless pop icons. Trust me, "bois"...there is real music out there. Sorry that I don't share your interests.
That being said...I like Christina Aguilera. Now, before I hear shouts of approval from the queens or before I start receiving hate mail from anti-pop peeps, give me a chance to explain. "Genie In A Bottle" never did much for me and "What A Girl Wants" didn't really make sense to me at all. In fact, I didn't even give Christina a second thought until I heard the song "I Turn To You." Sure, it's a cheesy re-make of a ballad that no one really cares for...but it touched my heart during a time in my life when I had way too many issues to count. So, I bought the CD, never really getting into any of the other songs on it...they were just annoyingly bubblegum.
It wasn't until I had the opportunity to see Christina in concert that my admiration for her grew. Now, mind you, I didn't go to the show out of my own choosing...it was a payback for inviting someone to share in the experience of my first Ani Difranco show. I took them, they decided to take me to Christina...it was all done in returning a nice gesture. The concert gave me an opportunity to see that the girl really had some talent, but she was either too wrapped up in being what was considered cool/trendy/popular at the time or she was being smothered from doing anything creative for fear that it would contradict the cool/trendy/popular guidelines. In other words...she danced up a fucking storm and sang the hell out of some ultra-cheesy songs. She didn't knock my socks off, but I was impressed that she did, in fact, have some level or degree of talent.
Soon after that concert, I sort of lost all interest in all the hype and commotion that got stirred up around her. I couldn't care less about Eminem mentioning her negatively in a song or Fred Durst bragging about the nookie he got from her. In fact, I lost all interest in her completely without even thinking twice about it. So, when she came back on the scene a little while back with this new song "Dirty"...I was a bit shocked. Girlfriend was definitely looking dirty, dancing around in her underwear and some chaps...boxing against some scary-looking chick...singing about how she wanted to take her clothes off and such. I was definitely unimpressed by her new image...
But, image and new song aside, I was told that all the hype about this new CD of hers was true and that it'd be worth the purchase. So, I came upon it in Wal-Mart yesterday...and I bought it. With a few exceptions, the CD is tres cool. I have no idea what she's been through over the past couple of years, I haven't followed all the media and press about her...but I can relate to a lot of the shit she's singing about. And not only is she singing about it, she at least had a hand in co-writing the songs and producing the album itself. Not too many bubblegum popstars can claim those things...
Anyway, there really is no point to this all beyond me explaining to you all that I have a new CD that I enjoy. Yup, it's pop...and yup, it's good. Whether or not you agree...do I give a fuck?
Saturday, October 26, 2002
Everyone Loves A Sermon
Last night, I had the fortunate opportunity of meeting my first real Jesus Freak. That's right, 19 years of being on this earth and I've yet to meet one. He walked into my store and my co-worker immediately made a dash for the back room, telling me that he was leaving this one to me and to "have fun." Now, we see some frightening and disturbing things by working in a mall...but it takes an awful lot for one of us to sprint into the back room when a customer walks in. So, I knew right away that this was going to be interesting...
First, he introduced himself and firmly shook my hand. Then, without wasting any more time, he asked in his booming voice, "Do you go to church, James?" Hoo boy...
"Nope, can't say that I do, sir."
"Well, why is that son?" Heh...
"I really couldn't tell you for sure, sir...it's just something that I've never really gotten into doing."
"Ok, that's fair enough...but tell me this...who wakes you up in the morning?"
"No one, really...just my alarm clock."
"No, that's where you're wrong, son. GOD wakes you up in the morning. When you go to bed at night, GOD makes a decision of whether or not he wants you to wake up the next morning. So, every morning, I wake up and I thank GOD for allowing me to see the light of another day. And, son, you should be doing the same."
Thankfully, I was saved from this sermon by an onslaught of teenagers that were killing time until their moms picked them up. But surprisingly, he stood around and waited until they left. I had to give it to this man, he was dedicated to his cause. So, I walk back over to the chair I was seated in, expecting for him to pick up right where he left off. He approaches...and then, shocker of shocks, he asks me about a holster for his phone. Not only this, but his voice has changed...he no longer sounds like a crazy man on some kind of bad acid trip, but he sounds like a normal person. So, I get him what he needs...and before he leaves the store, he actually bestowes some words of wisdom that have been kinda stuck in my head since then: "God bless you, son, and I hope you find what you're looking for."
After he left, my co-worker comes out of the back room with a smile on his face. So, we joke about it...I tell him he sucks for ditching me, he tells me how he's had to deal with that man many times before...and we had a good laugh. But, it's weird that a Jesus Freak's words can stick with you like that, without being able to figure out why.
Last night, I had the fortunate opportunity of meeting my first real Jesus Freak. That's right, 19 years of being on this earth and I've yet to meet one. He walked into my store and my co-worker immediately made a dash for the back room, telling me that he was leaving this one to me and to "have fun." Now, we see some frightening and disturbing things by working in a mall...but it takes an awful lot for one of us to sprint into the back room when a customer walks in. So, I knew right away that this was going to be interesting...
First, he introduced himself and firmly shook my hand. Then, without wasting any more time, he asked in his booming voice, "Do you go to church, James?" Hoo boy...
"Nope, can't say that I do, sir."
"Well, why is that son?" Heh...
"I really couldn't tell you for sure, sir...it's just something that I've never really gotten into doing."
"Ok, that's fair enough...but tell me this...who wakes you up in the morning?"
"No one, really...just my alarm clock."
"No, that's where you're wrong, son. GOD wakes you up in the morning. When you go to bed at night, GOD makes a decision of whether or not he wants you to wake up the next morning. So, every morning, I wake up and I thank GOD for allowing me to see the light of another day. And, son, you should be doing the same."
Thankfully, I was saved from this sermon by an onslaught of teenagers that were killing time until their moms picked them up. But surprisingly, he stood around and waited until they left. I had to give it to this man, he was dedicated to his cause. So, I walk back over to the chair I was seated in, expecting for him to pick up right where he left off. He approaches...and then, shocker of shocks, he asks me about a holster for his phone. Not only this, but his voice has changed...he no longer sounds like a crazy man on some kind of bad acid trip, but he sounds like a normal person. So, I get him what he needs...and before he leaves the store, he actually bestowes some words of wisdom that have been kinda stuck in my head since then: "God bless you, son, and I hope you find what you're looking for."
After he left, my co-worker comes out of the back room with a smile on his face. So, we joke about it...I tell him he sucks for ditching me, he tells me how he's had to deal with that man many times before...and we had a good laugh. But, it's weird that a Jesus Freak's words can stick with you like that, without being able to figure out why.
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
Bah, Who Needs Specifics When You Can Have C's?
C. That's such an ugly letter...C. I don't like it. In fact, I think it's safe to say that I hate it. I make a motion to remove it from the alphabet and replace it with another...maybe some sort of cross between a K and S?
Whatever, a C is what I made on the philosophy test. Yeah, I was pissed, to say the least. I totally thought that I had pulled at least a B-...I mean, come on, a C? I paid attention in class, I took my notes, I did the reading...what the hell? According to my professor, "you have the basic outline down, but be careful to give every specific thing the question asks for." Say what?? What else should I be doing on this test? Totally avoiding the questions completely and feeding you nonsense? Because I thought a test was to demonstrate knowledge and to answer the questions specifically...but hell, I guess I've been doing everything in school wrongly for the past 16 years of my life...
But wait a sec, what about that 99/100 on the math test I got back today? I guess some teachers do like you to answer questions specifically...who knew?
C. That's such an ugly letter...C. I don't like it. In fact, I think it's safe to say that I hate it. I make a motion to remove it from the alphabet and replace it with another...maybe some sort of cross between a K and S?
Whatever, a C is what I made on the philosophy test. Yeah, I was pissed, to say the least. I totally thought that I had pulled at least a B-...I mean, come on, a C? I paid attention in class, I took my notes, I did the reading...what the hell? According to my professor, "you have the basic outline down, but be careful to give every specific thing the question asks for." Say what?? What else should I be doing on this test? Totally avoiding the questions completely and feeding you nonsense? Because I thought a test was to demonstrate knowledge and to answer the questions specifically...but hell, I guess I've been doing everything in school wrongly for the past 16 years of my life...
But wait a sec, what about that 99/100 on the math test I got back today? I guess some teachers do like you to answer questions specifically...who knew?
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
Zzzzzzzz
Tomorrow will probably be the turning point in this semester for me. Supposedly, my philosophy professor is going to be returning our first essay exam to us...and the grade I have on it is probably the grade I can expect to pull in the class. Why? Because the whole subject of philosophy is beyond me...I just can't grasp any of it. When I'm reading the material for the class, I find myself completely and totally perplexed...and I wonder how any person can make sense of all this apparent gibberish. And I can't rely on my professor to clear things up for me...why? Because she's too smart. Well, that's not exactly the best term for it, "too smart," but it's all I can come up with. Basically, her vocabulary is way over my head and I only understand words like prepositions and small verbs. Yup, she makes me feel real dumb and I just nod at her in agreement. But anyway, the point of it all is that I totally had to bullshit my way through the entire exam...so we'll see just how good my bullshitting abilities can be when I get it back.
Just a few random things before I go...
~My left ear's cartilidge is pierced now.
~I'm going to see Vanessa Carlton in concert next month...totally stoked about it!
~The former pink power ranger has a CD...and it's actually worth listening to.
~Santana has a new CD...it's totally not worth listening to.
~My student loan was finally processed and my bills are being paid.
~Student loan = new clothes = happy James.
You guys yawning yet?
Tomorrow will probably be the turning point in this semester for me. Supposedly, my philosophy professor is going to be returning our first essay exam to us...and the grade I have on it is probably the grade I can expect to pull in the class. Why? Because the whole subject of philosophy is beyond me...I just can't grasp any of it. When I'm reading the material for the class, I find myself completely and totally perplexed...and I wonder how any person can make sense of all this apparent gibberish. And I can't rely on my professor to clear things up for me...why? Because she's too smart. Well, that's not exactly the best term for it, "too smart," but it's all I can come up with. Basically, her vocabulary is way over my head and I only understand words like prepositions and small verbs. Yup, she makes me feel real dumb and I just nod at her in agreement. But anyway, the point of it all is that I totally had to bullshit my way through the entire exam...so we'll see just how good my bullshitting abilities can be when I get it back.
Just a few random things before I go...
~My left ear's cartilidge is pierced now.
~I'm going to see Vanessa Carlton in concert next month...totally stoked about it!
~The former pink power ranger has a CD...and it's actually worth listening to.
~Santana has a new CD...it's totally not worth listening to.
~My student loan was finally processed and my bills are being paid.
~Student loan = new clothes = happy James.
You guys yawning yet?
Sunday, October 20, 2002
How YOU Doin?
So, it's basically common knowledge now to everyone in my hometown area that I'm gay. How this happened, I'm not quite sure...I mean, I've only come out to a handful of people. But somehow, some way, complete and total strangers that I've never even met know my little secret...and it's annoying. Not that I'm ashamed of what I am...I'm not. And not that I care what all these people think of me...I don't. This is just something personal that I wish people could learn about me from me...that way I can avoid awkward situations that I've found myself in lately.
Yup, that's right...I don't know you. And no, if I need someone to talk to, I won't be turning to you. And your recently single friend (who is also gay, which you are "totally cool with")? Sorry, I don't know him either and I'm not really the blind date type. Say...don't you find it a bit bizarre that you knew my sexual preference before you even knew my last name? Or shit, do you even know my last name?
People, I swear...
So, it's basically common knowledge now to everyone in my hometown area that I'm gay. How this happened, I'm not quite sure...I mean, I've only come out to a handful of people. But somehow, some way, complete and total strangers that I've never even met know my little secret...and it's annoying. Not that I'm ashamed of what I am...I'm not. And not that I care what all these people think of me...I don't. This is just something personal that I wish people could learn about me from me...that way I can avoid awkward situations that I've found myself in lately.
Yup, that's right...I don't know you. And no, if I need someone to talk to, I won't be turning to you. And your recently single friend (who is also gay, which you are "totally cool with")? Sorry, I don't know him either and I'm not really the blind date type. Say...don't you find it a bit bizarre that you knew my sexual preference before you even knew my last name? Or shit, do you even know my last name?
People, I swear...
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
Share Time
Brain. Dead. Yup. That's me. Right now. Brain is definitely dead.
Brain. Dead. Yup. That's me. Right now. Brain is definitely dead.
Monday, October 14, 2002
Aristotle and Ambition
Something's not right, but I can't really figure out what it is. Everything is going pretty well for me right now: school's good, grades are good, friends are good, family is good. Heck, I've even been on a few dates with this amazingly sweet guy. But, I dunno, I feel like something is missing. I sit and think about how things are going and I get overwhelmed with feelings of depression. But why?? I should be happy, overjoyed even, with the way things are working out for me right now. Why am I left feeling like there should be something more? Why do I feel like there's some crucial part of me that's missing? Why can't I just find it? Why does my life feel so monotonous, so boring, so dull all the time? I just can't seem to make the best of what I've got...I'm always wanting, no, craving more. Does this make me a horrible person?
According to my philosophy professor, yup. Aristotle teaches that everyone should try to find the mean to everything...in other words, the middle ground. You should never be within excess or defect of anything, especially emotions. And according to Aristotle, I'm being overly ambitious with my wants and needs and cravings and desires. I just can't seem to be satisfied with anything...and so, I need to find my middle ground. But where the hell is it? What if I end up settling for less than what I'm worth? Then I'll be seen as having an ambition deficiency...and it'd just be better to be overly ambitious.
Why the hell did I ever take this class? It's seriously fucking up my world...
Something's not right, but I can't really figure out what it is. Everything is going pretty well for me right now: school's good, grades are good, friends are good, family is good. Heck, I've even been on a few dates with this amazingly sweet guy. But, I dunno, I feel like something is missing. I sit and think about how things are going and I get overwhelmed with feelings of depression. But why?? I should be happy, overjoyed even, with the way things are working out for me right now. Why am I left feeling like there should be something more? Why do I feel like there's some crucial part of me that's missing? Why can't I just find it? Why does my life feel so monotonous, so boring, so dull all the time? I just can't seem to make the best of what I've got...I'm always wanting, no, craving more. Does this make me a horrible person?
According to my philosophy professor, yup. Aristotle teaches that everyone should try to find the mean to everything...in other words, the middle ground. You should never be within excess or defect of anything, especially emotions. And according to Aristotle, I'm being overly ambitious with my wants and needs and cravings and desires. I just can't seem to be satisfied with anything...and so, I need to find my middle ground. But where the hell is it? What if I end up settling for less than what I'm worth? Then I'll be seen as having an ambition deficiency...and it'd just be better to be overly ambitious.
Why the hell did I ever take this class? It's seriously fucking up my world...
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
Are You A Giver?
Okay, so I'm reaching out to you all....because, quite frankly, I'm desperate. I'm stressed...really stressed. I'm trying my best not to think about school and the seemingly endless amounts of assignments...but the more I put it off, the worse off I'm going to be. So here's where you all can give me a helping hand. I need a topic for my English paper. That's right, I need a topic. No, I don't need a paper written for me...just a topic. But not just any topic, oh no...it's on Kate Chopin. So, if you have no clue who she is or if you couldn't care less, then just forget I ever said anything. But hey, if you can give me some sort of starting point, I'd shower you with oodles upon oodles of my grateful affection.
Desiree's Baby, The Story of an Hour, and The Storm. That's what you've got to work with people...now come through for me, I beg of you.
Okay, so I'm reaching out to you all....because, quite frankly, I'm desperate. I'm stressed...really stressed. I'm trying my best not to think about school and the seemingly endless amounts of assignments...but the more I put it off, the worse off I'm going to be. So here's where you all can give me a helping hand. I need a topic for my English paper. That's right, I need a topic. No, I don't need a paper written for me...just a topic. But not just any topic, oh no...it's on Kate Chopin. So, if you have no clue who she is or if you couldn't care less, then just forget I ever said anything. But hey, if you can give me some sort of starting point, I'd shower you with oodles upon oodles of my grateful affection.
Desiree's Baby, The Story of an Hour, and The Storm. That's what you've got to work with people...now come through for me, I beg of you.
Friday, October 04, 2002
Knock Me Out Before You Go Go
I can't seem to get to sleep tonight, no matter how hard I try. In fact, I've had trouble getting to sleep almost every night for quite some time. But, tonight in particular, I can't seem to clear my head...there's all sorts of thoughts that are just running through my mind at this scary, rapid pace. I keep thinking about where my life is currently at...and where it's heading. I keep thinking about all the issues I've had with friends lately and why my relationships with people have become so strained. I keep thinking about assignments and tests and quizzes and deadlines and essays and reading material...and then I feel like screaming because I can't handle it all. I keep thinking about dropping out of school because I've started regarding it as a chore I have to do, instead of as an opportunity to make my life better. I keep thinking about what I ate today...and what I shouldn't have ate today. I keep thinking about how lonely I am...and how I want nothing more than someone to cuddle with me before I drift off to sleep. I keep wondering how much longer this single thing is going to last...and I keep reminding myself of how it's been almost a year now since I've had a real relationship with someone.
And just when I thought I had finally thought about every freaking thing I could possibly think about...Butters decides it's time to do some remodeling in his cage. So, it's obvious that I will be getting little to no sleep tonight...and I figured I'd just come whine a bit before crawling back under the covers.
Oh, and by the freaking way...who decided that it'd be cute to post a comment on my last post by using my name and email address? And while I'm at it...just who in the hell are you, Rien? Rhino and I are seriously dying to know...
I can't seem to get to sleep tonight, no matter how hard I try. In fact, I've had trouble getting to sleep almost every night for quite some time. But, tonight in particular, I can't seem to clear my head...there's all sorts of thoughts that are just running through my mind at this scary, rapid pace. I keep thinking about where my life is currently at...and where it's heading. I keep thinking about all the issues I've had with friends lately and why my relationships with people have become so strained. I keep thinking about assignments and tests and quizzes and deadlines and essays and reading material...and then I feel like screaming because I can't handle it all. I keep thinking about dropping out of school because I've started regarding it as a chore I have to do, instead of as an opportunity to make my life better. I keep thinking about what I ate today...and what I shouldn't have ate today. I keep thinking about how lonely I am...and how I want nothing more than someone to cuddle with me before I drift off to sleep. I keep wondering how much longer this single thing is going to last...and I keep reminding myself of how it's been almost a year now since I've had a real relationship with someone.
And just when I thought I had finally thought about every freaking thing I could possibly think about...Butters decides it's time to do some remodeling in his cage. So, it's obvious that I will be getting little to no sleep tonight...and I figured I'd just come whine a bit before crawling back under the covers.
Oh, and by the freaking way...who decided that it'd be cute to post a comment on my last post by using my name and email address? And while I'm at it...just who in the hell are you, Rien? Rhino and I are seriously dying to know...
