Ordinary Words

Blah

It's weird how sometimes you don't really realize just how much something bothers you. That last post brought out a lot of things I didn't even know I had in me...emotions I haven't felt in a long time, good and bad memories, insecurities I wasn't even aware of. The combination of these and other things has resulted in this crappy, all-encompassing feeling of blah. I've found myself zoning in and out, my mind racing with so many thoughts...but at the same time, these rapid thoughts feel like they're moving at about the speed of a snail. Is that possible? To move quick, yet slow? Anyway...as soon as I snap out of this zone, I have almost no idea what I was thinking about or how long I was thinking about it.

It really bites to have this sort of a wake-up call. Here I was, thinking that my life was okay and that I had at least some things figured out...but in reality, I was just being silly and naive. I've realized...I don't have jack figured out, period. I'm just as lost as I was a year ago, a decade ago, a lifetime ago. And to top it all off, I'm feeling so vulnerable, so fragile...I feel like at any moment, I'm just going to crumble and break down into tears. The only thing that keeps me from doing this is the fear that I'll never be able to get a hold on myself again...that once I start breaking down, it's never going to stop. If I at least compose myself, fight back the tears and the desire to give in to my emotions, at least then I'll be convincing to others around me that I'm at least okay. But, the reality of it all...I'm not okay. Will I ever be? Maybe, maybe not. This could be something I suffer through short-term...or something that hangs over my head for the rest of my life.

But, I am trying...to do what, I'm not sure. I've basically built myself up on an unstable foundation...and now that that foundation is slowly giving out on me, I'm having to do two things: fix what I can and hope that it'll be repaired...or knock that foundation down, start over from scratch, and rebuild myself. It's hard to figure out what to do...but I at least have that little glimmer of hope that I will work it out eventually and that I will be okay...

A Do-Over

A year and a half ago, my life was perfect. I had just graduated from high school, summer was about to start, and I was in a relationship with a guy that I adored. We saw each other almost every day for two months...we were extremely close, to the point where I had almost convinced myself that I loved him. And as much as I'd like to say that it wasn't my fault that the relationship ended...it was totally and completely mine.

We had our problems, just like any other couple, especially since we were just starting out. One of those problems was the fact that I wanted to be able to have a life outside of him, something that existed without depending on him. This life was a night out with my friends every once in a while. Having just graduated, lots of parties were going on...and I wanted to make an appearance at one, without him. To my surprise, he said it was okay...and I went...

And I fucked up. I got entirely too drunk...we're talking the kind of drunk where you can only remember certain moments of the night when other people remind you of them, where you're hugging the toilet as if it were dying mother, where you're crying so hard and you don't even realize it. And...where you end up throwing yourself at your long-time crush, even though he has a boyfriend. Basically, I made a complete fool of myself...and not only that, but I completely destroyed my almost-perfect relationship.

He broke up with me, as was to be expected. And I...pretty much broke down. Not in the presence of anyone else, of course...only within the confines of my own room, late at night. But I felt like shit, like scum, like scum on scum...and I thought I'd never get over it. Here I was, almost 18, and I thought my life was over and that I'd never be happy again. How did I cope? It took a while...and I continued with my scummy ways in doing so...

I became one of those ex-boyfriends that everyone tells horror stories about. No, I didn't stalk him or even call him...I made up lies. I guess it was my way of dealing...if I convinced other people that he was the reason the relationship had ended, then I would eventually believe it myself. But I've never made it to that stage...I've never convinced myself that he was the problem. I know, and I will always know, that my stupidity was the reason for my unhappiness. If I had only controlled myself, if I would have only seen him for what he was and not wanted more, if I hadn't been so selfish in wanting a life without him...then maybe we'd still be together, happy as ever.

It kills me to think about it...about how much different my life would be now if he were still in it. Maybe we wouldn't be together, but maybe we'd be friends...or maybe we would be together, making life plans or something. Or maybe we would've ended just as badly, but with different circumstances...and maybe if those circumstances were better, I wouldn't have this cloud of regret hanging over my head.

So, if I could ever take one thing back in life...that would be it. What I would take back about it, I'm not quite sure. Maybe I wouldn't go to the party...or maybe I would go, but not drink...or maybe I'd still do it the same, but not lie about it to others...who knows? But I'd give anything to have that do-over...

=)

So, I survived...barely. The Spanish test was considerably tough, but I'm pretty sure I came through it with a pleasing grade. The math test was a cinch, as usual. But ah, philosophy...oh wonderful, lovely philosophy...how I despise philosophy. I'm pretty much an advocate of "Fuck Philosophy" now...in fact, I'm thinking of making a website, printing up some t-shirts with the slogan...you know, really endorse the fact that I couldn't possibly hate philosophy more than I do now. But, who knows? Maybe my "Fuck Philosophy" philosophy will change when I get this test back with a miraculous good grade...

So, while I'm here...where the hell have I been? Long story short, I'm having to buy oodles of CDs right now because my contract with Columbia House is soon to run out...and they won't just let me buy four at regular price. I buy one, they give me two for free, one for $2.99, three for the price of my soul...so I'm ending up with way more CDs than I anticipated, which isn't exactly a bad thing. So, I finally ordered two Aimee Mann CDs...I've been hearing she's good, but I didn't really expect much. I was wrong...this is definitely my angst chick of the moment. Sorry, Ani...

It's such a nice day outside today...I'm trying to think of something fun to do outdoors, but coming up with very few ideas. But I do oh-so-love this cool weather...not hot, not cold, just cool. I'm hoping it stays this way for a while, if only for the sake of my good moods. Nice weather makes me a pleasant person to be around, which hopefully rubs off on others and makes them pleasant to be around. You know, there should just be nice weather all the time...maybe then the world would be a much more pleasant place...

Yeah, I know, whatever...

You Know What?

Fuck philosophy.

And that is all.

Overloaded

I'm stressing. I thought I would be ok...but I'm not, I'm really not. I've got a research paper to do for my English class...on a controversial topic, of all things. Yes, hello? I avoid topics of controversy...no politics, no moral debates, none of that. I try to keep myself as non-controversial as possible. Yet, somehow I'm expected to choose a controversial topic that I have a strong opinion on and write a thousand words on it. Not an easy task for me, let me tell you...

And to top it all off...I've got three, yes three, tests to take on Wednesday. Back to back. One after another. Ah, the joys of screwing yourself over by taking all your classes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays...gotta love it. So, not only do I have this paper to write...I've got numerous philosophy readings to do, math formulas to learn, and some wonderful Spanish conjugations to teach myself. All in two days...

I wish I could be like most other college students and just shrug it off, not stress out over it. That's the sort of mentality I've always wished that I could have...but I just can't. Why? Because doing your best isn't good enough in my family...it's always got to be better than best. In fact, my dad has this whacked out saying..."Good, better, best / never let it rest / until your good is better than best." Why, after 19 years, I'm still trying to live up to his expectations, I'm completely unsure. All I know is that the amount of effort I put in means nothing...almost just doesn't count.

Sucks, huh?

Grrrrr

I'm in quite a bitter and pissy mood today. I guess I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something, but I'm just not very pleasant to be around. Why? Don't ask me...nothing too extreme or terrible has happened to cause this. I guess everything is starting to catch up with me all at once...the neverending stress of school and homework, the mere drama-filled existence of those who were once friends of mine, the lack of money and the abundance of bills, and not having enough hours in the day to get everything done. It's just aggravating having to deal with so much at once...but when I think about it, it's only going to get worse from here on out. School will only get tougher, people will only get more and more childish, money will become less and less prominent, and time will only fly by faster and faster...sheesh, I hope that there's more to look forward to than this.

And I'm sure there is...and maybe I'll be lucky enough to gush about it someday...

Confusion

Life is so confusing. One minute, I know exactly what I want...and the next, I'm not so sure. I can't seem to make my mind up about things...it's like I'm in this constant cycle of coming to a conclusion and then second guessing it. I decide what major I'm going to pursue...but then, come time for graduation, will I regret my choice? I decide to go to the local university...three semesters later, I'm thinking I want to transfer. I decide where a good place to transfer would be...but how can I be sure I won't hate it there? I want a relationship with a good, solid, stable guy...but then, do I want to set myself up again for eventual heartbreak? So, maybe I should just stay single...but what about all those lonely days and nights? That's just a few of the things that run through my whacked-out brain...

Just when I think I've got something figured out...the overly-analytical side of me kicks in and goes over every possible situation and outcome. Suddenly, I'm faced with possibilities that I never even considered...and I get scared shitless. How can I make a decision when all I'm going to end up doing is second guessing myself and questioning whether or not I made the right choice? I think that's why I'm stuck in the rut that I'm in now...I'm so damn critical of everything I do that I just can't bring myself to make any changes. Maybe it's fear that I'll fuck up my world more than it already is...or maybe it's fear of change...or maybe it's just laziness. Who knows?

All I know is I'm confused and in desperate need of some fucking clarity...

Gotta Get Out...

I feel trapped. Stuck. Backed into a corner against my will. But then again, is it against my will? I am where I am because of decisions I've made...so, is anyone to blame but myself? Nonetheless, I feel as if I'm going nowhere, that I'm just coasting by unnoticed by anyone else. I'm scared that if I stay on the path that I'm on now, the path that's clear and risk-free, that I'll end up believing my life is okay until I have a startling awakening during a bizarre mid-life crisis. Just before entering another decade of my life, I'll realize that I regret taking the path that I did. How did that poem go? "I took the road less-traveled..." and something something something about being a better person for it.

I really feel like I need to take some more risks. I feel like I need to stop accepting the easy way through things...and get out of here, experience the world more. What lessons about life am I learning by going to the local university, living at home with my parents, and working in a retail store that's basically based on a fad? Maybe I am learning lessons by being where I am and I just don't know it...and maybe going out and doing something different with myself will make me realize that. Or...maybe doing something different with myself will, in the long run, change my life for the better. Either way, I'm gonna give it a shot...I'm gonna think on a larger scale, expand my horizons, think outside the box, yadda yadda yadda.

Changes, baby...let's make some...

Yup, I've Got Issues...Doesn't Everyone?

Forgiveness isn't something that comes easily for me. Throughout my entire life, I've been wronged by countless people...and majority of the time, I've never seen any signs of regret or apology from them. So, it doesn't surprise me that when someone does me wrong, I find it extremely difficult to give them a second chance. But, over the past year or so, I've really tried my best to learn to forgive and move on. It's been a tough transition for me because I'm just not accustomed to people showing any remorse for what they did.

So, it really shouldn't surprise me that people who I supposedly forgive for their wrongdoings feel sorta standoffish. I can't help the fact that due to past experiences, I'm very weary about someone who has treated me badly, regardless of how regretful they are about it. But, even though it shouldn't surprise me, I've realized that it bothers me...

I hate that once I'm done wrong by someone, I push them away...even if they apologize profusely. I hate that no matter how much I try not to be, I feel awkward around someone that has mistreated me. I guess, in my mind or in my subconscious or some other crap, it all boils down to this: if you do me wrong once, what's to keep it from happening again? I guess when it comes to matters like these, I'm sorta like that sad and abused puppy: every time someone tries to come near, it cowers in fear. Except instead of backing away and hiding my eyes, I put up walls...walls that are so tall and so strong, no one can break through them. And once I put those walls up, they're up for good...solid foundation, good structure, no hope of getting past them.

So, for all those out there who've tried their best to make ammends with me, my apologies...I don't mean to push you away, it's only a reflex. And as far as the walls go, I understand that it's draining having to constantly chip away at them...trust me, it's a battle I fight almost every single day. But they're coming down...slowly, but surely. All I ask is for your patience and understanding...

Out & Further Out

I was watching In & Out yesterday...and I realized just how much I could relate to the story. I mean, I'd seen the movie a thousand times before, but never really noticed the relation before. No, I wasn't engaged to be married or working in the public school system, nor did I believe that I was straight and fight against it. I was, however, pulled out of the closet against my will...and in a way, I feel like I was denied the experience of deciding for myself when to come out to others. The majority of people who knew me in that time found out about my sexuality from some prick spreading lies and rumors about me. I don't have any funny or interesting stories about my first experiences coming out to people...it was done for me, and it was far from funny or interesting.

So, I can relate to Howard Brackett. I know how it feels to be pulled out of the closet, against your will, against your own wishes, in the wrong time and place. In the simplest of terms...it sucks. Bad. It's something that you're completely unprepared for. Here I was, trying to psyche myself up for the day that I would come out to my family and close friends...and suddenly, people who I had never met in my entire life knew about my personal life...and worst of all, they were confronting me about it. It's the worst feeling in the world, not knowing if you should defend yourself or if you should deny it all or if you should just run away without looking back.

But, at least Howard got a happy ending. Everyone ultimately accepted him for who he was, he spared his fiancee the pain and misery of having this revealed to her later on after they were married, and he even found a relationship with a seemingly nice guy. And what have I got? I've got bitterness and resentment for the prick that pulled me out unwillingly. I've got anger and frustration towards the people that couldn't settle for experiencing me being pulled out, but instead continued to push me further and further away from that closet. And then I've got the regret...that I didn't come out sooner, so that I could have possibly had a better experience...or that I didn't handle things differently...or that I ever allowed myself to get close to anyone in that time. And I didn't get anything out of the deal either, which sucks...again. No real acceptance, no nice feelings of not having to lie anymore, and no seemingly happy relationship...I'm telling you, I got cheated...

Howard Brackett...shit, he got the better deal in the end...