Sunday, December 29, 2002
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So, I've been asking myself this question a lot lately...as I get older and look back on my life, what will I associate most with the year 2002? And, for some strange reason, I can't seem to answer that question. The truth is, this has probably been both the best and the worst year of my entire life. I've had many good times...but just like everyone else in the world, I've had some bad ones, too. But what will leave a lasting impression in my mind?
2002 started out with a bang. Not. I was a second-semester freshman in college, working in a dead-end job, with a pitiful excuse for a social life. I wanted out...I couldn't stand being so unhappy. I looked at all sorts of study abroad programs, I considered transferring schools...hell, I thought joining some sort of a cult had to be better than where I was. But nothing ever really came of any of those ideas beyond my further dismay at the current state of my life. But then something extraordinary happened: I suddenly had friends. These were people that I had come to associate with here and there, but it had never gone any further than the occasional get-together. Suddenly, I was hanging out with these people all the time...and I was happy. I had finally made some friends and I no longer felt the need to escape.
The times were good...we all seemed to get along, for the most part. Hanging out became more of the condition than the exception...we even went on a Spring Break trip together. At this time, guys were coming and going in my life...I'd go out on dates, but the chemistry was never there or the timing was never right. But I had my friends to keep me grounded, to keep me sane, to keep me from being lonely...for the first time in a long while, I didn't feel the need to have some guy in my life at all times in order to make me feel worthwhile. I grew closer and closer to this group of people, some more so than others. Still, I was happy...and I seemed to be going places. Halfway through the year, I was getting out of the dead-end job and into one that had a little more meaning and opportunities available. Everything seemed perfect...
So, of course, it all came crashing down. Seemingly unbelievable events happened...fights were had, names were called, and tempers flared. Friends were no longer friends...and shit, it sucked. Here these people had become my true friends, the first true friends I had had in a long time. Suddenly...it seemed like we were all enemies. And worst of all, it was all over petty things...things that should have never have even been an issue in the first place. Eventually, a truce was made...terms were set forth, everyone agreed to at least be civil to each other. But, in no time at all, civilities weren't even present...
All in all, it was drama...way too much drama. I found myself entering depression again...feeling like I had done nothing but waste the majority of the year. But then, things started to look up. Through all the drama of the group, I bonded with someone who I never really thought I would. As it turns out, we had a lot in common...we got along extremely well, enjoyed a lot of the same things, and both in need of a good friend. So, in the end, all the drama was meaningful and useful...I learned a lot about myself, I learned a whole lot about others and their true colors, and I made a better friend.
Just as there was very little time left remaining in the year, I started having some of the same thoughts as I had in the beginning of the year: I want to get out. But where could I go? I started looking into transferring schools...and then I found one that called out to me. I did all the necessary work...and before I knew it, I had decided to move. I figured that in nineteen years, I hadn't found anything extremely worthwhile to keep me around. Friends had come and gone...and drama was starting to attract itself to me as if I were a magnet for it. The one friend that I had made was good to me, and I knew I would miss her dearly...but even she had toyed with the thought of transferring schools. And now that I was, she was looking into possibly doing so herself for the next fall.
Things were looking up...I was becoming happier with the thought of a fresh start. And just when things couldn't get any better, they did. A guy came along who made all the losers, assholes, and jerks before him worth it...in no time at all, I was head over heels for the boy. Just the thought of him made me smile, just the prospect of making a life together made me giddy...I was just happy, so very happy. And of course, I'm still happy. Three weeks from now, I'll be living in the same city as him...and we'll try our damndest to make this work.
So, if you hadn't guessed, the thing I will remember most about this year is the people that were in it. Times were bad, times were good...and it was all worth it in the end. If I hadn't met certain people, if certain events hadn't occurred, there's no telling what would have happened or where I would be. All I know is that I'm thankful for everything this year because, in the end, it's made me that much stronger. I honestly believe that I've changed over the past year...and hopefully, it's for the better. I've done a lot of growing and a lot of growing up. So, I take back what I said about this year being both good and bad. Looking back now, it was all good in the end...
So, I've been asking myself this question a lot lately...as I get older and look back on my life, what will I associate most with the year 2002? And, for some strange reason, I can't seem to answer that question. The truth is, this has probably been both the best and the worst year of my entire life. I've had many good times...but just like everyone else in the world, I've had some bad ones, too. But what will leave a lasting impression in my mind?
2002 started out with a bang. Not. I was a second-semester freshman in college, working in a dead-end job, with a pitiful excuse for a social life. I wanted out...I couldn't stand being so unhappy. I looked at all sorts of study abroad programs, I considered transferring schools...hell, I thought joining some sort of a cult had to be better than where I was. But nothing ever really came of any of those ideas beyond my further dismay at the current state of my life. But then something extraordinary happened: I suddenly had friends. These were people that I had come to associate with here and there, but it had never gone any further than the occasional get-together. Suddenly, I was hanging out with these people all the time...and I was happy. I had finally made some friends and I no longer felt the need to escape.
The times were good...we all seemed to get along, for the most part. Hanging out became more of the condition than the exception...we even went on a Spring Break trip together. At this time, guys were coming and going in my life...I'd go out on dates, but the chemistry was never there or the timing was never right. But I had my friends to keep me grounded, to keep me sane, to keep me from being lonely...for the first time in a long while, I didn't feel the need to have some guy in my life at all times in order to make me feel worthwhile. I grew closer and closer to this group of people, some more so than others. Still, I was happy...and I seemed to be going places. Halfway through the year, I was getting out of the dead-end job and into one that had a little more meaning and opportunities available. Everything seemed perfect...
So, of course, it all came crashing down. Seemingly unbelievable events happened...fights were had, names were called, and tempers flared. Friends were no longer friends...and shit, it sucked. Here these people had become my true friends, the first true friends I had had in a long time. Suddenly...it seemed like we were all enemies. And worst of all, it was all over petty things...things that should have never have even been an issue in the first place. Eventually, a truce was made...terms were set forth, everyone agreed to at least be civil to each other. But, in no time at all, civilities weren't even present...
All in all, it was drama...way too much drama. I found myself entering depression again...feeling like I had done nothing but waste the majority of the year. But then, things started to look up. Through all the drama of the group, I bonded with someone who I never really thought I would. As it turns out, we had a lot in common...we got along extremely well, enjoyed a lot of the same things, and both in need of a good friend. So, in the end, all the drama was meaningful and useful...I learned a lot about myself, I learned a whole lot about others and their true colors, and I made a better friend.
Just as there was very little time left remaining in the year, I started having some of the same thoughts as I had in the beginning of the year: I want to get out. But where could I go? I started looking into transferring schools...and then I found one that called out to me. I did all the necessary work...and before I knew it, I had decided to move. I figured that in nineteen years, I hadn't found anything extremely worthwhile to keep me around. Friends had come and gone...and drama was starting to attract itself to me as if I were a magnet for it. The one friend that I had made was good to me, and I knew I would miss her dearly...but even she had toyed with the thought of transferring schools. And now that I was, she was looking into possibly doing so herself for the next fall.
Things were looking up...I was becoming happier with the thought of a fresh start. And just when things couldn't get any better, they did. A guy came along who made all the losers, assholes, and jerks before him worth it...in no time at all, I was head over heels for the boy. Just the thought of him made me smile, just the prospect of making a life together made me giddy...I was just happy, so very happy. And of course, I'm still happy. Three weeks from now, I'll be living in the same city as him...and we'll try our damndest to make this work.
So, if you hadn't guessed, the thing I will remember most about this year is the people that were in it. Times were bad, times were good...and it was all worth it in the end. If I hadn't met certain people, if certain events hadn't occurred, there's no telling what would have happened or where I would be. All I know is that I'm thankful for everything this year because, in the end, it's made me that much stronger. I honestly believe that I've changed over the past year...and hopefully, it's for the better. I've done a lot of growing and a lot of growing up. So, I take back what I said about this year being both good and bad. Looking back now, it was all good in the end...
Saturday, December 28, 2002
Yeah, I'm A Copycat...
I was going to write some eloquent thoughts and reflections on all the crud of the past year...but, truth be told, I'm really not in the mood to revisit everything quite yet. So, I'm putting it off for a few days. Until then, here's some of my favorite music of the past year. Oh...and if you beg to differ, that's just fine and dandy. But keep in mind...this is my site, full of my opinions, likes, and dislikes. So, keep any rude comment to yourself, k?
It wasn't exactly what I would call a stellar year for music...but there were a handful of CDs that I dug this year. First off, Sheryl Crow's "C'mon, C'mon." If you can look past the fact that every song seems to have some guest vocalist or musician...and if you can skip through the tracks that got way too much radio airplay...the album was pretty awesome. I'm still wondering why Gwyneth Paltrow was allowed anywhere near that recording studio though...oh well. Then there was Vanessa Carlton's "Be Not Nobody." It's no secret to anyone who knows me just how much I love this chick...she plays piano, writes her own songs, and has a pretty unusual voice. Plus, I saw her in concert...and I was blown away. Avril Lavigne's "Let Go"...if you can ignore that annoying-ass "Sk8er Boi" song (did she have to spell it as if she were one of these grammatically-challenged online chatters?), some of these songs are actually decent. But I mostly liked the album because I went through an angry period this year...and most of her songs are nice and loud and angst-filled (well, as angst-filled as a 17-year-old can get). Then there was Faith Hill's "Cry"...most people chuckle when I say it's a good album, which is understandable...but hey, it's one of those albums that just supports those lonely, I'm-so-sick-of-being-single moods. And Christina Aguilera's "Stripped?" I've already sung my praise of this album in a previous post...yeah, it's pop, I know. But she's been through some shit, as we all have...and I just understood where she was coming from in some of her songs. And then, finally, Missy Elliott's "Under Construction." Her music is always catchy and fun...plus anyone who can use the lyric "...pussy don't fail me now..." is cool in my book.
Hmmm...is it weird that all of my fav albums this year were done by women?
I was going to write some eloquent thoughts and reflections on all the crud of the past year...but, truth be told, I'm really not in the mood to revisit everything quite yet. So, I'm putting it off for a few days. Until then, here's some of my favorite music of the past year. Oh...and if you beg to differ, that's just fine and dandy. But keep in mind...this is my site, full of my opinions, likes, and dislikes. So, keep any rude comment to yourself, k?
It wasn't exactly what I would call a stellar year for music...but there were a handful of CDs that I dug this year. First off, Sheryl Crow's "C'mon, C'mon." If you can look past the fact that every song seems to have some guest vocalist or musician...and if you can skip through the tracks that got way too much radio airplay...the album was pretty awesome. I'm still wondering why Gwyneth Paltrow was allowed anywhere near that recording studio though...oh well. Then there was Vanessa Carlton's "Be Not Nobody." It's no secret to anyone who knows me just how much I love this chick...she plays piano, writes her own songs, and has a pretty unusual voice. Plus, I saw her in concert...and I was blown away. Avril Lavigne's "Let Go"...if you can ignore that annoying-ass "Sk8er Boi" song (did she have to spell it as if she were one of these grammatically-challenged online chatters?), some of these songs are actually decent. But I mostly liked the album because I went through an angry period this year...and most of her songs are nice and loud and angst-filled (well, as angst-filled as a 17-year-old can get). Then there was Faith Hill's "Cry"...most people chuckle when I say it's a good album, which is understandable...but hey, it's one of those albums that just supports those lonely, I'm-so-sick-of-being-single moods. And Christina Aguilera's "Stripped?" I've already sung my praise of this album in a previous post...yeah, it's pop, I know. But she's been through some shit, as we all have...and I just understood where she was coming from in some of her songs. And then, finally, Missy Elliott's "Under Construction." Her music is always catchy and fun...plus anyone who can use the lyric "...pussy don't fail me now..." is cool in my book.
Hmmm...is it weird that all of my fav albums this year were done by women?
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
All I Want For Christmas Is My Sanity
Rudy. Short for Rudolph. Which is the name of the cutest dog on the face of the earth. And the cutest dog on the face of the earth was the present my mother received from both my father and I for Christmas. He's an adorable four-pound, three-month-old Yorkshire Terrier...we've had him for about a day now and we all love him as if we've had him for years. Of course, he's going to end up being spoiled rotten...
Speaking of being spoiled...I almost feel like a little spoiled child this year. First off, the new car I received about a month ago? It was supposed to be my one and only Christmas present this year...and for many years to come. Seriously, I expected nothing more from my parents for a REALLY long time. So, of course, they go way overboard and also gave me a new computer for Christmas. Their explanation was that they didn't want to have me fighting off hordes of deadline-obsessed students next semester when I move away for school...but still, after all they've done for me, I would have had no problem with getting cutthroat and whipping the ass of anyone who tried to interrupt my writing rituals in some 24-hour computer lab. But thanks to the extreme amounts of kindness my parents have showed this year, those unsuspecting ULL students will be spared a good mauling...
And speaking of mauling...I'm toying with the idea of getting brutal with Satan. By Satan, of course, I mean my mother's father. Yes. He's here. In my house. KILL. ME. PLEASE. It's not his insane ramblings that are driving me to insanity. Nor is it his lame recommendations of what's good entertainment. It's not even his mere presence that has aggravated me so. Know what it is? Some generous individual decided it was a good idea to give him some new cologne for Christmas this year...and I can smell him before he even enters a room. The worst part? Even after he leaves tomorrow, his stench will linger for days, I'm sure...and I will be forced to suffer...
Send your prayers, please...
Rudy. Short for Rudolph. Which is the name of the cutest dog on the face of the earth. And the cutest dog on the face of the earth was the present my mother received from both my father and I for Christmas. He's an adorable four-pound, three-month-old Yorkshire Terrier...we've had him for about a day now and we all love him as if we've had him for years. Of course, he's going to end up being spoiled rotten...
Speaking of being spoiled...I almost feel like a little spoiled child this year. First off, the new car I received about a month ago? It was supposed to be my one and only Christmas present this year...and for many years to come. Seriously, I expected nothing more from my parents for a REALLY long time. So, of course, they go way overboard and also gave me a new computer for Christmas. Their explanation was that they didn't want to have me fighting off hordes of deadline-obsessed students next semester when I move away for school...but still, after all they've done for me, I would have had no problem with getting cutthroat and whipping the ass of anyone who tried to interrupt my writing rituals in some 24-hour computer lab. But thanks to the extreme amounts of kindness my parents have showed this year, those unsuspecting ULL students will be spared a good mauling...
And speaking of mauling...I'm toying with the idea of getting brutal with Satan. By Satan, of course, I mean my mother's father. Yes. He's here. In my house. KILL. ME. PLEASE. It's not his insane ramblings that are driving me to insanity. Nor is it his lame recommendations of what's good entertainment. It's not even his mere presence that has aggravated me so. Know what it is? Some generous individual decided it was a good idea to give him some new cologne for Christmas this year...and I can smell him before he even enters a room. The worst part? Even after he leaves tomorrow, his stench will linger for days, I'm sure...and I will be forced to suffer...
Send your prayers, please...
Tuesday, December 24, 2002
Christmas Already?
I just can't seem to grasp the fact that it's December 24th...and in just a few hours, it'll be Christmas. I hate to sound like a scrooge, but each year it seems like Christmas becomes more of a chore than a holiday. I've had to work more hours at work (due to extended holiday hours and the fact that Christmas is freaking expensive), which causes irritation and sheer astonishment at just how stupid people have become. I've had absolutely no time to shop for anyone...and if I do find the time to fit in a little shopping trip, the majority of the time is spent fighting crowds and standing in line and beating down fellow customers for that last remaining item. Worst of all, I just don't enjoy the holiday as much as I once did. I guess you can chalk it up to the fact that once you enter adulthood, Christmas just doesn't hold the same allure as it did when you were a child. But more than that, it's just become tedious and tiresome when it should be enjoyable and fun.
But, regardless of the fact that it hasn't been as thrilling as it once was, it's safe to say that this might be the best Christmas in a really long time. For the past couple of years, our family has gone through way more downs than ups, resulting in a lack of family gatherings and festivities. But, I'm thinking that this year might not be so bad...it'll be nice to just kick back with mom and dad, without having to worry about family drama and petty shit. Plus, I've got a best friend (whom I love dearly) to be thankful for...and this'll be the first Christmas that I have a real boyfriend. All in all, I'd say I'm pretty blessed...
Merry Christmas, everyone.
I just can't seem to grasp the fact that it's December 24th...and in just a few hours, it'll be Christmas. I hate to sound like a scrooge, but each year it seems like Christmas becomes more of a chore than a holiday. I've had to work more hours at work (due to extended holiday hours and the fact that Christmas is freaking expensive), which causes irritation and sheer astonishment at just how stupid people have become. I've had absolutely no time to shop for anyone...and if I do find the time to fit in a little shopping trip, the majority of the time is spent fighting crowds and standing in line and beating down fellow customers for that last remaining item. Worst of all, I just don't enjoy the holiday as much as I once did. I guess you can chalk it up to the fact that once you enter adulthood, Christmas just doesn't hold the same allure as it did when you were a child. But more than that, it's just become tedious and tiresome when it should be enjoyable and fun.
But, regardless of the fact that it hasn't been as thrilling as it once was, it's safe to say that this might be the best Christmas in a really long time. For the past couple of years, our family has gone through way more downs than ups, resulting in a lack of family gatherings and festivities. But, I'm thinking that this year might not be so bad...it'll be nice to just kick back with mom and dad, without having to worry about family drama and petty shit. Plus, I've got a best friend (whom I love dearly) to be thankful for...and this'll be the first Christmas that I have a real boyfriend. All in all, I'd say I'm pretty blessed...
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Saturday, December 21, 2002
Tired Of Gushing Yet?
It's amazing just how quickly your life can change. Two months ago, if someone had told me that I'd be transferring schools and moving about a hundred miles away...I would've told them they were crazy. And if they were to have told me that in addition to those life-changing events that I'd be falling in love...I probably would've laughed. Me? Falling in love? Pshaw...
In short, folks...life is good. Bizarre at times...but very good.
It's amazing just how quickly your life can change. Two months ago, if someone had told me that I'd be transferring schools and moving about a hundred miles away...I would've told them they were crazy. And if they were to have told me that in addition to those life-changing events that I'd be falling in love...I probably would've laughed. Me? Falling in love? Pshaw...
In short, folks...life is good. Bizarre at times...but very good.
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Saving Money = Happy James
Priceline.com is quite possibly the greatest website ever. See, I wanted to go visit my boy over in his town tonight...but I didn't want to have to drive back and I couldn't stay at his place. So, I needed a really REALLY cheap hotel room. I've heard good things about the site, but didn't think it could actually be as great as everyone said it was...but I gave it a shot. Ok...$38 for a riverview room AT THE HILTON. Yeah, I was totally stoked...
Anyway, I figured it would be bad karma not to give credit for such an awesome thing. So, I'm recommending it to you all as the site to check out.
Priceline.com is quite possibly the greatest website ever. See, I wanted to go visit my boy over in his town tonight...but I didn't want to have to drive back and I couldn't stay at his place. So, I needed a really REALLY cheap hotel room. I've heard good things about the site, but didn't think it could actually be as great as everyone said it was...but I gave it a shot. Ok...$38 for a riverview room AT THE HILTON. Yeah, I was totally stoked...
Anyway, I figured it would be bad karma not to give credit for such an awesome thing. So, I'm recommending it to you all as the site to check out.
Monday, December 16, 2002
*Sigh*
So, this guy I'm seeing...he's great. In fact, "great" doesn't begin to describe just how special he is. I've seen him only three times in less than a week...and already I feel myself falling. It's so freaking scary because this is exactly how I set myself up for a heartache every time...I like the guy, everything's great, and then that's it. He stops calling or starts becoming an ass or gives the "let's be friends" talk. But, I don't know...I'm pretty sure that this time it's different. Usually when I'm seeing someone, I'm the one that's thrilled about everything and acting like a little schoolgirl. The weird thing is that I think we're both kinda acting like the schoolgirls this time. It's not just me telling him how much I dig him and how cute he is and how sweet he is...he's telling me these same things. I guess it's kinda bizarre for me since I'm not really used to hearing those things...
So, in the short time that I've been dating, I've never really publicly displayed my affection towards someone. But, all of that changed this weekend. Me, him, a couple of drinks, Bourbon Street...we got a little cozy at points. It's nice to have someone that's comfortable enough with who he is to hold my hand while we walk down the street. And...in the few times I've been to gay clubs, I've never ever danced with a guy. Now I know what it's like...and it's oh so much more fun than with girls. Perhaps it's because the attraction and the spark was there between us...but I've never had so much fun dancing in my entire life.
Anyway, I'm just crossing my fingers that this will go somewhere good. Like I said before, I don't want to spend a lot of time overanalyzing every little thing like I always do. I just want to take things as they come and hope for the best. I think if I spend too much time worrying over everything, I won't really get to enjoy anything. So, if y'all love me, cross your fingers and say a little prayer for me...hopefully this will be the start of something great.
So, this guy I'm seeing...he's great. In fact, "great" doesn't begin to describe just how special he is. I've seen him only three times in less than a week...and already I feel myself falling. It's so freaking scary because this is exactly how I set myself up for a heartache every time...I like the guy, everything's great, and then that's it. He stops calling or starts becoming an ass or gives the "let's be friends" talk. But, I don't know...I'm pretty sure that this time it's different. Usually when I'm seeing someone, I'm the one that's thrilled about everything and acting like a little schoolgirl. The weird thing is that I think we're both kinda acting like the schoolgirls this time. It's not just me telling him how much I dig him and how cute he is and how sweet he is...he's telling me these same things. I guess it's kinda bizarre for me since I'm not really used to hearing those things...
So, in the short time that I've been dating, I've never really publicly displayed my affection towards someone. But, all of that changed this weekend. Me, him, a couple of drinks, Bourbon Street...we got a little cozy at points. It's nice to have someone that's comfortable enough with who he is to hold my hand while we walk down the street. And...in the few times I've been to gay clubs, I've never ever danced with a guy. Now I know what it's like...and it's oh so much more fun than with girls. Perhaps it's because the attraction and the spark was there between us...but I've never had so much fun dancing in my entire life.
Anyway, I'm just crossing my fingers that this will go somewhere good. Like I said before, I don't want to spend a lot of time overanalyzing every little thing like I always do. I just want to take things as they come and hope for the best. I think if I spend too much time worrying over everything, I won't really get to enjoy anything. So, if y'all love me, cross your fingers and say a little prayer for me...hopefully this will be the start of something great.
Thursday, December 12, 2002
The End Of An Era...Yeah, Whatever
Three down, one to go...and my career as a student at Southeastern Louisiana University will be over. It's almost sad for me to think about the fact that I've spent three semesters (four if you count summer) at this university...and now, I'm leaving it behind. I certainly won't miss a lot of things about it...but I guess this final day is sorta bittersweet for me. I found myself taking everything in on the way to my final this morning...the trees, the lack of grass, the neverending sea of cars everywhere. What if I never go back there ever again? What if I never step foot onto that campus again? It's weird to think about...
Oh well, enough of this...I've gotta go cram some philosophy readings in before my final. That way, the bullshit I'll be writing on the test will at least have some sort of logical basis. Remember, folks..."fuck philosophy!"
Three down, one to go...and my career as a student at Southeastern Louisiana University will be over. It's almost sad for me to think about the fact that I've spent three semesters (four if you count summer) at this university...and now, I'm leaving it behind. I certainly won't miss a lot of things about it...but I guess this final day is sorta bittersweet for me. I found myself taking everything in on the way to my final this morning...the trees, the lack of grass, the neverending sea of cars everywhere. What if I never go back there ever again? What if I never step foot onto that campus again? It's weird to think about...
Oh well, enough of this...I've gotta go cram some philosophy readings in before my final. That way, the bullshit I'll be writing on the test will at least have some sort of logical basis. Remember, folks..."fuck philosophy!"
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Tee Hee
Every once in a while, you're fortunate enough to find out that nice guys really do exist. It's definitely rare, especially in the gay world...but it does happen. Last night, I met an amazing guy...sweet, funny, intelligent, and SO cute. I don't wanna jinx anything, so I'm not gonna sit here and overanalyze everything like I normally do. But, I just thought I'd share that despite the fact I'm suffering through finals hell right now, I've got something to think of that'll make me smile...
Not even philosophy can bring me down right now...
Every once in a while, you're fortunate enough to find out that nice guys really do exist. It's definitely rare, especially in the gay world...but it does happen. Last night, I met an amazing guy...sweet, funny, intelligent, and SO cute. I don't wanna jinx anything, so I'm not gonna sit here and overanalyze everything like I normally do. But, I just thought I'd share that despite the fact I'm suffering through finals hell right now, I've got something to think of that'll make me smile...
Not even philosophy can bring me down right now...
Sunday, December 08, 2002
I'm James And I'm A Weirdo
Lately I'm not really sure what the deal is with me. Any time that I'm around people, at school or work or whatever, I kinda feel the need to be alone. So, I find ways to get alone...and when I finally am alone, I don't want to be anymore. That's strange, right? So...I'm kinda wondering what the deal is. How can I crave solitude so much and then when I get it, no longer want it? It's very bizarre and isn't anything I've really experienced before. I've gone through periods of time where I sorta crawl back into my shell and do the whole loner thing...and I've gone through periods where I can't stand to be alone with myself for more than five minutes. But I've never experienced anything like this...and it's very confusing for me. I guess it all boils down to the notion of once you get what you want, you don't want it anymore.
I get so weird sometimes that it's really scary...
Lately I'm not really sure what the deal is with me. Any time that I'm around people, at school or work or whatever, I kinda feel the need to be alone. So, I find ways to get alone...and when I finally am alone, I don't want to be anymore. That's strange, right? So...I'm kinda wondering what the deal is. How can I crave solitude so much and then when I get it, no longer want it? It's very bizarre and isn't anything I've really experienced before. I've gone through periods of time where I sorta crawl back into my shell and do the whole loner thing...and I've gone through periods where I can't stand to be alone with myself for more than five minutes. But I've never experienced anything like this...and it's very confusing for me. I guess it all boils down to the notion of once you get what you want, you don't want it anymore.
I get so weird sometimes that it's really scary...
Friday, December 06, 2002
*Sniffle*
I'm so very sick...coughing, sneezing, runny nose, sore throat...the works. Of course, it happens on the weekend before finals...and you can bet your ass I won't do a bit of studying this weekend. Any free time not spent at work will be spent lounging around and having mother dearest baby me. Oh yes, I'm quite the mama's boy...but what boy isn't?
Ah...chicken noodle soup and a hot cup of tea...
I'm so very sick...coughing, sneezing, runny nose, sore throat...the works. Of course, it happens on the weekend before finals...and you can bet your ass I won't do a bit of studying this weekend. Any free time not spent at work will be spent lounging around and having mother dearest baby me. Oh yes, I'm quite the mama's boy...but what boy isn't?
Ah...chicken noodle soup and a hot cup of tea...
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
Yeah, I'm Still Here
So, it's been a while, I know. I would blame it on the fact that my computer is a piece of crap, but it's not just that. I have had plenty of opportunities to type up a post, I just haven't. To tell the truth, I just really needed a break from the online world for a little while. As therapeutic as this journal of mine is, it can get tedious at times...and just straight up annoying at others. But I'm back, and I'm fine...
So what's new? A new car, for one...I've gone from a '96 Ford Thunderbird to a '01 Pontiac Grand Prix. Cars are the devil and I'd ride the bus any day if they actually existed here...but I'm much happier now that my car is pretty (and reliable to boot). Next up, school...damn, it's almost over. Two more days of class for me, followed by a week of finals hell...and this semester is going to be over with. It's gone by unbelievably fast and slow, all at the same time.
As far as next semester, it looks like I'm going to be transferring to another campus. It started out as a plan to better myself, my education, and my future career...but now it's turned into more of an escape from the not-so-pleasantness of my current life. Hopefully, a fresh start in a new place will bring better and more pleasant things. Although I have to admit that I'll miss some things and definitely a few people, I think that I'll end up being much happier in the long run...
On a somewhat scarier note, I've been going out a bit lately. In fact, I've been out to clubs in the past few weeks more than I have in my entire adult life. Wanna know what's even scarier? I've had a good time. I'm even thinking of making this into a routine thing. Now, by routine, I don't mean every night or every other night...or even every weekend, for that matter. Just maybe once or twice a month, you know? To get out, meet some new people, and get my dance on (yes, I've danced...even scarier). What started this? Dunno...I've just realized I might as well try to enjoy myself a little bit more. Hell, I've even become bolder...I left a waiter my number on the back of a receipt, even though he had a boyfriend and lived an hour away from me. Of course, he didn't call...but I'm not really sure I'd want him to...
But, I've rambled...and I wanted to avoid that. I'd go back and delete some of this, but I'm really just too lazy...
So, it's been a while, I know. I would blame it on the fact that my computer is a piece of crap, but it's not just that. I have had plenty of opportunities to type up a post, I just haven't. To tell the truth, I just really needed a break from the online world for a little while. As therapeutic as this journal of mine is, it can get tedious at times...and just straight up annoying at others. But I'm back, and I'm fine...
So what's new? A new car, for one...I've gone from a '96 Ford Thunderbird to a '01 Pontiac Grand Prix. Cars are the devil and I'd ride the bus any day if they actually existed here...but I'm much happier now that my car is pretty (and reliable to boot). Next up, school...damn, it's almost over. Two more days of class for me, followed by a week of finals hell...and this semester is going to be over with. It's gone by unbelievably fast and slow, all at the same time.
As far as next semester, it looks like I'm going to be transferring to another campus. It started out as a plan to better myself, my education, and my future career...but now it's turned into more of an escape from the not-so-pleasantness of my current life. Hopefully, a fresh start in a new place will bring better and more pleasant things. Although I have to admit that I'll miss some things and definitely a few people, I think that I'll end up being much happier in the long run...
On a somewhat scarier note, I've been going out a bit lately. In fact, I've been out to clubs in the past few weeks more than I have in my entire adult life. Wanna know what's even scarier? I've had a good time. I'm even thinking of making this into a routine thing. Now, by routine, I don't mean every night or every other night...or even every weekend, for that matter. Just maybe once or twice a month, you know? To get out, meet some new people, and get my dance on (yes, I've danced...even scarier). What started this? Dunno...I've just realized I might as well try to enjoy myself a little bit more. Hell, I've even become bolder...I left a waiter my number on the back of a receipt, even though he had a boyfriend and lived an hour away from me. Of course, he didn't call...but I'm not really sure I'd want him to...
But, I've rambled...and I wanted to avoid that. I'd go back and delete some of this, but I'm really just too lazy...
