Ordinary Words

Oh Yeah, I'm A Winner

So...I am the luckiest bitch on earth sometimes. A few months ago, I filled out an entry form for this little contest on Vanessa Carlton's official website...and I didn't think much about it, seeing as how I enter in these little contests all the time and never have anything to show for it. Well, fuck me, I won. No, seriously, I won. Not just some crappy-ass runner-up prize or anything either...I'm talking grand prize. What'd I win? Oh well, you know...a trip to New York City to see Vanessa Carlton live in concert in Central Park, airfare and hotel accomadations provided! Oh, and one of those Nokia video camera phones, too.

Ok, I'm still just trying to sink this all in...I'm going to New York, FOR FREE, to see one of my favorite artists, FOR FREE. I mean, somebody fucking pinch me because this is the greatest damn dream that I've ever had.

Guess What?

I had an absolutely fucking incredible weekend. The best ever, in fact. I'm one happy camper right now...

I'm Such A Fag

Wal-Mart can be both a fun and frightening place. Well, I once found fun in going to Wal-Mart at least...not so much anymore. Maybe it's due to a bad memory associated with it or maybe it's due to the fact that I'm just not as lame as I once was...but, since I seem to be lacking a better term, Wal-Mart can be fun. I mean, it's always a good time when you have the elderly people asking for help lifting heavy items and the short people asking for help with items on the top shelves. In fact, I always found it kinda rude to ask a tall person for help reaching an item...it's almost as if you're singling them out as some kind of freak. I mean, I don't stop a short person and say, "Hey, you're short! Could you get me that item on the bottom shelf? I hate to bend over." Because you know what? They'd probably catch an attitude and call me insensitive to their short person feelings. Well, guess what else? I'm a sensitive tall guy and I don't want to fucking get that item off the top shelf for you. That's what employees and ladders are for! I don't come to Wal-Mart to serve you, I come here to pick up things that I need. I'm not being paid to conveniently pull things off the shelf, so just back the fuck up.

Sorry, I get a little testy about that shit...

What else is fun? The tragic people roaming throughout the store. Fashion emergencies galore, and I mean galore. I'm talking camoflauge pants and striped shirts, black pants and brown shoes, those twisted rope belts, and socks with flip flops. Do they even bother to look in the mirror before they walk out the door? Worst of all is the makeup that some of these gals wear. I'm talking it's so heavy that you couldn't even imagine just how bad they must look without it...because if they look that bad with it on, they must be downright grotesque. And sometimes you just wanna politely tell some girls that they need a different shade of foundation or powder...their neck will be one color and their face a completely different shade. It's sad, really...and to think they'll pass their beauty tips on to others. Oh, I shudder to think...

Corn And Cheese

Since I've been trapped in my house for the past four days, I've been getting just a wee bit bored during the day. So, sadly enough, I've been running in and out of the gay.com chat rooms, hoping to find some sign of intelligent life (if I ever find it, I'll be sure to share the news). And I've noticed something rather funny in my adventures...this wonderful little cliche that seems to be at the end of a lot of the guys' profiles (well, at least the guys who actually take the time to fill their profile out). This is taken, word for word, from one guy's profile..."Don't be afraid to chat me up sometime, I don't bite unless you ask me to." Ok, could we please incorporate anything into a profile that's more corny than this? I mean, come on...it was funny when the first hundred guys used it as a cheesey line, but must every other gay man have this in his profile?

And while we're on the topic of lines that are played out...have you seen the promos for this new show on MTV? I can't keep up with all the new shows anymore because there's a new one premiering just about every hour...I mean, where's the goddamn music? And no, I don't give a flying fuck about MTV2, all the music on that channel stinks and the VJs are just unbearably annoying, much more so than Carson or Hillary or LaLa. So anyway, this show has something to do with players and the dumb lines they use and hidden cameras and blah blah blah. One of the guys shown rips off 50 Cent and says, "Baby, I love you like a fat kid loves cake." There's all sorts of assorted cheesey goodness, but one in particular is just wrong on so many different levels. "Are your parents retarded? Because I can tell that you're really special," or something along those lines. Hello? Do you have no shame? If I ever had a guy tell me that, I'd knock him into next week.

My favorite line: "Baby, do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them."

Up Da Creek

I've been getting up really early in the morning since I've been sick, mostly because my medicine knocks me out pretty early at night. So, I've been subjected to entirely too much daytime television. But, much to my enjoyment, TBS has been airing reruns of Dawson's Creek, which was my favorite teeny bopper shows in high school. I guess it was my favorite mostly because it coincided with my high school experience...they were in the same grade as me, dealing with the same emotions and traumas that I dealt with (though they were a bit more melodramatic about everything). Anyway, so I've been sitting on my couch every morning this week, laughing and crying and pouting and giggling and everything else I used to do as I watched this show. It's made the whole strep throat thing a little more bearable...except for the hacking and sneezing that occurs during the most intense moments of the show.

Whatever, I'm just a big fucking dork...and a fucking sick one, at that.

Sick As A Dog

I woke up this morning in a cold sweat. I wasn't feeling too well yesterday, so I thought that I might have a little bit of a fever. Turns out, I had quite a high fever...101.9 degrees, to be exact. I made an appointment with my doctor and suffered through most of the morning until he could see me. The appointment was for 11:20, but of course I didn't even get called back until close to noon. My symptoms? Coughing, sneezing, nausea, fever, sore throat, congestion. My diagnosis? Strep throat. Oh yeah, baby. So, now I'm loaded up on all sorts of medication...my fever's gone, but in it's place is that feeling of being here but not really being here. Could have something to do with the fact that I've taken ten pills in six hours...

Late Night/Early Morning Reminders

Note to self: never smoke a pack of cigarettes in six hours ever again. Oh, and never ever drink Bourbon EVER again. And never wear shoes to a wedding if you haven't worn them since senior prom.

A Glimpse Of The Activist

A good friend of mine is getting married today. I've been helping out with some of the preparations...running errands, putting things together, simple stuff. I did my best to grin and bear it, but after a while it started to take a bit of a toil on me. It's just plain depressing to know that I will probably never get to plan a real wedding, never get to experience what it's like to have a real marriage ceremony. And why? Because this city, state, country, world has not accepted the fact that I'm a person, too...that I can fall in love, too...that I could want to spend my life with someone, too...and so I'm not allowed to experience my own wedding. Instead, I'm stuck with committment ceremonies or lifelong boyfriends. And sure, what's the difference between a wedding and committment ceremony besides the stupid marriage license? Nothing, I suppose...I'd just like to know that my choice to spend my life with one person could be legally acceptable. Call me crazy, but I am a citizen of this country too...

Friends

I've noticed a pattern in the friendships I've had in my lifetime. I gradually become friends with someone, I begin to pour my heart and soul into having a real friendship with them, and then they eventually desert me. It totally and completely sucks, but I can't seem to figure out what it is that I do wrong. Am I just too boring? Do I begin to grate someone's nerves after a period of time? Am I just no fun to hang out with after someone's done it so many times? Do I push people away? I mean, what the hell am I doing that causes my friendships to end, without much of an explanation or apparent reason?

I've sat and I've cried for hours over this, partly because it saddens me and partly because I can't seem to find any answers. It's horrible to have to sit and wonder about what makes you so incable of fostering a regular, healthy friendship with someone. And it's gotten to the point where I just can't cry anymore. I can't allow myself to be upset about these things anymore. I've just got to come to terms with the fact that people grow apart and move on with their lives. And hopefully someday, I can find that friendship that I've been hoping for...the friendship that will actually last a lifetime.

My current obsessions...

- Dave from the new season of Road Rules. Why can't boys like him be gay?
- Ace from the new season of Real World. Ditto.
- Ben and Jerry's Half Baked ice cream.
- Dance remixes. What can I say? The new boy is rubbing off on me...I know, I'm sick.
- The Travel Channel. Love to watch programs on all the places I'll never go.
- Guacachips. Yum. Especially with sour cream.
- TNT. The television station, that is. They've been playing some good movies lately.
- Washing dishes. I'm on a cleaning kick lately.
- And starting tomorrow, Big Brother will be my latest obsession. It's gonna be an interesting summer for those folks...

Friends And Artists

The whole boy situation seems to have worked itself out on its own, with a minimal amount of stress and guilt on my part. The first guy I was seeing had been telling me all along that he was open to the possibility of a relationship, but that he wanted to take things really slow and make sure everything was just right. Well, he wasn't as open to the possibility as he thought he was, at least not with me. Just to skip the boring, monotonous, repetitive conversation...I'm no longer seeing him and we've moved into the gay friendship oblivion. I have actually spoken to him once since we had the talk, but I will not be surprised to have this "friendship" end up like all the other failed relationships that were supposed to be friendships but ended up as nothing.

The other guy, however, I am still seeing. I swore up and down after the first date we had that there was nothing there and that I wasn't interested in him. Of course, I was wrong. We've spent a good bit of time together, especially over the past couple of days...and I find myself thoroughly enjoying every moment I spend with him. It's weird, I feel very comfortable and at ease with him, which usually takes a long time when I'm getting to know someone. The funniest thing to me is that he's totally not the type of guy I would have ever seen myself dating...he's got four piercings (and, at one point he had seven...heh), he's the self-proclaimed artist (with a B.A. in visual arts, which he puts to good use as a waiter), and he's obsessed with Madonna and dance remixes. When it comes down to it, we're so opposite about so many different things....but, I dunno, it's one of those times where the opposites totally attract. Anyway, I'm interested to see where this goes...

Availability

There are lots of reasons as to why I’ve been so down lately. But, I’ve come to the conclusion that the main cause of my depression has been people. And I’ve also realized why people have been able to bring me down so much. I make myself way too available. I put myself out there, time and time again, thinking that some person will be different than the one before. I put my emotions on the line, I trust in someone, I get close to someone, I develop feelings for someone…whatever I may do, I just shouldn’t do it. Why? Because I’ve found that once people know that you’re available to them, whether it be physically, emotionally, mentally or whatever, they know that they can take advantage of that.

My solution: my availability is now strictly limited. I’m no longer going to set myself up for hurt, disappointment, or rejection. I’m no longer going to allow myself to be walked all over, to be taken advantage of, or to be taken for granted. I’ve come entirely too far in my life, been through way too many trying times, and experienced too many heartaches to ever feel insignificant ever again. I’ve spent years trying to bring all my emotional barriers down, but now I realize that they are there for my own protection. I’m no longer interested in putting myself on the line for anyone anymore…the walls are up and anyone who wants to bring them back down has got a hell of a job ahead of them.