Monday, September 08, 2003
To All Things, An End
This is officially my last post. I've been toying with the idea of bringing this to an end for a while now...but now, the timing just feels right to me. I started this journal as a means of therapy for myself, but it seems as though it's been anything but that. I've gotten to the point where it feels like a chore when I go to type up a post...and it really shouldn't be that way for me. And it's also gotten to the point where I've censored myself for the sake of avoiding the possibility of offending people who find their way here...friends, family, acquaintances, and even enemies. I'm tired of it. What's the point in having a journal when you can't express exactly how you feel? Simple, there is no point in it. So, I'm done.
It's been real, it's been fun, and it's been real fun. Peace out.
This is officially my last post. I've been toying with the idea of bringing this to an end for a while now...but now, the timing just feels right to me. I started this journal as a means of therapy for myself, but it seems as though it's been anything but that. I've gotten to the point where it feels like a chore when I go to type up a post...and it really shouldn't be that way for me. And it's also gotten to the point where I've censored myself for the sake of avoiding the possibility of offending people who find their way here...friends, family, acquaintances, and even enemies. I'm tired of it. What's the point in having a journal when you can't express exactly how you feel? Simple, there is no point in it. So, I'm done.
It's been real, it's been fun, and it's been real fun. Peace out.
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
Some Nice Thoughts
I've spent the past few years of my life in search of that perfect guy. Along the way, my guidelines for perfection in a guy have changed and evolved and become a seemingly impossible set of standards for the guys I date. Everytime something would go wrong with one guy, I'd alter my standards a bit and move onto the next, hoping that I was fixing whatever problems I had with all my doomed relationships. It wasn't until recently that I realized what it is that I've been doing wrong. I've been out searching for these compassionate, sensitive, intelligent, attractive, articulate, blah blah blah guys...and when I think I find one, I rush right into dating them and ruining any good possibilities. My problem is that I shouldnt be searching for boyfriends or soulmates or life partners or whatever...instead, I should simply be searching for a companion, someone I enjoy being around and spending time with, someone who will be a friend to me first, someone I can get to know very well without a burdensome title of "boyfriend." Simple compatibility, without boundaries or limitations or categories, should have been what I was searching for all along.
The crappy part about realizing this? Knowing that I could've come to this conclusion a long time ago if I had only slowed my pace down a bit to really think things through. I could've saved myself a lot of heartache and misery and stress. But, you live and you learn and you get wiser for it...and hopefully, somewhere along the way, you develop some sense of emotional stability. And I think that I'm actually getting to that emotionally stable point now. I've thought that I was there before, but even now I realize that I'm not quite entirely there yet.
But, it's definitely the greatest feeling in the world when you start to figure things out and become content with yourself and you life. You let go of the past hardships and turmoils, chalking them up to experience. You're able to laugh at things you never found remotely funny before. You move past the grudges and the regrets, living in the now instead of yesterday. You do all these things and then you realize you're a much happier person. It's just...nice.
I've spent the past few years of my life in search of that perfect guy. Along the way, my guidelines for perfection in a guy have changed and evolved and become a seemingly impossible set of standards for the guys I date. Everytime something would go wrong with one guy, I'd alter my standards a bit and move onto the next, hoping that I was fixing whatever problems I had with all my doomed relationships. It wasn't until recently that I realized what it is that I've been doing wrong. I've been out searching for these compassionate, sensitive, intelligent, attractive, articulate, blah blah blah guys...and when I think I find one, I rush right into dating them and ruining any good possibilities. My problem is that I shouldnt be searching for boyfriends or soulmates or life partners or whatever...instead, I should simply be searching for a companion, someone I enjoy being around and spending time with, someone who will be a friend to me first, someone I can get to know very well without a burdensome title of "boyfriend." Simple compatibility, without boundaries or limitations or categories, should have been what I was searching for all along.
The crappy part about realizing this? Knowing that I could've come to this conclusion a long time ago if I had only slowed my pace down a bit to really think things through. I could've saved myself a lot of heartache and misery and stress. But, you live and you learn and you get wiser for it...and hopefully, somewhere along the way, you develop some sense of emotional stability. And I think that I'm actually getting to that emotionally stable point now. I've thought that I was there before, but even now I realize that I'm not quite entirely there yet.
But, it's definitely the greatest feeling in the world when you start to figure things out and become content with yourself and you life. You let go of the past hardships and turmoils, chalking them up to experience. You're able to laugh at things you never found remotely funny before. You move past the grudges and the regrets, living in the now instead of yesterday. You do all these things and then you realize you're a much happier person. It's just...nice.
